Thursday, February 20, 2014

Scared to Fail

Today, I found out one of my closest friends contemplated killing their self last night and I could relate. There are people in the world that just know their purpose. They what they are meant to do and I am not one of them. I have no idea where my life is going and it is easy to feel like my existence is nothing. But the moment we start thinking like that our transition into death becomes quite easy. It hurts and it is hard to be happy, but it is possible. If I kept thinking that way I know I wouldn't be here. Our existence does matter to the people in our lives. We impact them with our personalities and how we treat them. It gets difficult to keep the thought in my head and I get terribly sad, but I will not take the "easy" way out. I am going to try and find my place, and prove to myself I deserve to exist. The self is the hardest person to please in my opinion, especially since I became depressed. I just want so much for myself, but I don't know how to make it reality. It all just makes me want to cry and sit in a dark room, however the more I want for myself will never become a reality.

I am an average student and person.
I really don't try hard, so I couldn't honestly say I am smart.
I know really random things like the normal temperature of the human body or the number of bones in the body.
I use words like plethora and coitus.
I am wired differently.
I am brave and  I am scared.
I don't know what it is, but I know I am scared all the time.
I am scared to fail so I do not try. 
I live my life in autopilot and it irritates the hell out of me.
I am tired of it, yet I do not try.
I want to be different, but it doesn't show. 
People do not know what I feel.
I am really good at hiding my feelings.
I know so much about myself, yet I do not understand me. 
I feel like a lost cause.
I AM ...
I am looking for motivation.
I am searching for focus.
I searching for purpose.


No comments:

Post a Comment